Do you know what it feels like to not know your purpose? To hope for sunshine despite the storm that rages in your heart. To long for sleep at night but be kept wide awake by the guilt of another day unspent. At the crack of dawn, I shed a tear knowing I would have to face the same sea of nothingness. I struggle to wake up each morning; snoozing my alarm countless times, unable to sleep but not wanting to get up.
Should I run a race that I know isn’t mine? Should I work at a desk I hate in exchange for fleeting moments of adoration? Out of frustration, I look to my broken compass for direction; where do I go from here? What should I become? I hear the voices in my head screaming for my attention but none rings the loudest, and again, I am lost in a pool of chaos and echoes.
“Trust your timing” they say, but my clock has long-stopped ticking, stuck in an infinite loop of empty promises and false hopes. I jump from one ‘empowerment’ program to the next, like a junkie high on the expensive lies sold by shiny speakers, only to sink low under the heavy weight of despair at midnight.
I understand that I would be okay in the end but the more I convince myself, the farther I swim to the deep ends of worry and doubt. Now, my heart hangs heavy with regret; I spent so long cursing the clouds that I forgot to dance in the rain.
Do you hear my silent screams as I smile with tears in my eyes? Do you see my fingers tremble with emptiness as I watch the world spill over with harvest? Can you taste the lack of faith in my choice of dreams and hopes?
I do not know how to free my mind from this endless race to nowhere. It would be better if my future looked bleak for right now, all I see is darkness.
From the fog,